Drunken Comics Rage

Alright, so here were are at issue number two. When last we left our heroes, big bad Wolverine was being sent to kill Professor X. A totally non-plot if you ask me, because we all know Wolverine is going to be a good guy at some point. The only suspense is which cliche the writers are going to use when he does it. I'm betting on the classic one, where the betrayal comes out, Magento tells Wolverine to kill someone, and he says no and turns on his former boss. I swear by all that is holy though, if he gives some line like "I'm one of the X-Men now" or some crap close to that, I'm going to throw up.

So click the link below to hear all about issue two.

Here we go. I'll be going through these page by page like I did last time. The pages I list though are the ones of the PDF file I'm reading these on, so the numbers don't follow the actual comic exactly.

Page 1 - The cover with the X-Men on it. Wolverine looks cool, but Colossus and Beast look pretty stupid.

Page 2 -  Ok, we get a little recap of the whole mutant thing, the X-Factor gene, everyone's name on the team, and the ominous "But a new and much more deadly mutant is about to join their ranks….", I can actually hear the cheesy "Don Don Daaaaaaa" music. Damn, I feel like I'm reading a version of the old Super Friends cartoon.

Page 3 - This page is a big picture of Wolverine coming into the JFK airport. Some kid is waiting for him with a "Mr. John Doe" card. The kid goes on about how he's amazed that security missed hi mutant gene, and that he got though the metal detectors with an all metal skeleton. Wolverine gives him the one-liner "I'm a professional". Though neither of them think the "John Doe" card, and the fact that the kid calls him Wolverine, might not tip anyone off?

On the right side, there's a gratuitous shot of long legs in very short shorts. Also, we find out the kid is in the East Coast branch of the Brotherhood. Damn, is there no one in this whole airport with a set of ears?

Next panel is some army looking guys with guns listening in on their conversation. Guess ol'Wolvie isn't as slick as he thought he was.

Then finally Wolverine notices that there's something wrong. I'm guessing a fight is about to break out.

Page 4 -  Well, not much of a fight. The army guys just pretty much gun them both down. The kids toast, but we all know that Wolverine is just playing possum. Strangely, the army guys know who Wolverine is, but apparently not what he can do. Could go very bad for them.

The other page is a monkey holding up a movie called MVP - Most Valuable Primate. He's wearing hockey gear. How the hell does a movie like that get made?

Page 5 - A big splash page with the Blackbird flying past the Statue of Liberty. Waste of space if you ask me.

Page 6 -  Nothing but two pages of ads. Waste.

Page 7 -Jeans flying the plane. Tells Hank they're doing three hundred miles an hour. Hanks outside messing with the plane. Not sure why anyone thought that was a good idea. They're just that cool I guess. Beast makes mention of ideas he has about the training room in the basement. I'm guessing an allusion to a future Danger Room.

Jean and Hank talk about how Scott has been too chicken to ask Jean out for a year and a half. Then it turns to the idea that Hank has a thing for Storm. Ok, I get the whole romance thing, just not excited about it at all.

Page 8 - *sigh* two pages of freaking ads.

Page 9 -  Prof. calls all the X-Men into the school viewing room stating that he's found another mutant in New York.

Professor X, who I'm just calling PX from now on, says that it's Wolverine. Jean and Scott get all freaked out.

Scott explains that Wolverine is the most dangerous killer in the world. He worked for the government in some black ops thing, and he escaped about a year and a half ago. Even though he's the most dangerous killer in the world, the X-Men are going to go help him. Iceman says that he's going to help. Yay.

Page 10 -  Wolverine wakes up in a cell. Some army guy walks in, talks to Wolverine like he knows him. Wolverine identifies the guy as Wraith. His little name tag says his name is John Wraith (hell of a cool name to grow up with).

Wraith welcomes Wolverine back to Weapon X.

Page 11 -  Wolverine slashes at the bars, but Wraith tells him their admantium too. Wraith then shows us what a bad guy he is, by shooting Wolverine again for fun. To show you want a terrible thing that happened to Wolverine, Wraith talks about how they used to do it fuck up Wolverine all the time just for fun.

Page 12 -  Wraith tells the guards that they can do whatever they want with him, because they're going to wipe Wolverine's mind soon.

This all took place in the back of a truck, and the X-Men are standing in the middle of the road waiting on the trucks. I guess they don't fear bullets, or grenades. Suprize attack? Nah, let's just stand in the middle of the road and wait on them. Good plan.

Page 13 -  Big 2 page splash of the X-Men standing in front of the Blackbird. I get that's it's supposed to be cool and all, but some of us would like some story. Just a little story. Hell, a freaking nursery rhyme would be good at this point.

Page 14 -  A page of ads.

A few panels of Storm blowing the trucks all over the place.

Page 15 -  Cyclops tells Beast and Colossus to get Wolverine, and for everyone else to keep the army looking guys busy, and to be careful, because all the bad guys have PHDs in anti-mutant maneuvers. Say what? I'm sure they thought that sounded cool and all, but come on.

Colossus goes to bend the bars, but can't. Wolverine tells him to get Wraith, since he knows the 10 digit code. Wraith is making a quick get away.

Beast springs Wolverine with a gadget he just happened to have, while Wolverine cracks on him for his weight. Ha ha.

As soon as the doors open, Wolverine takes off running after Wraith. he then gets hold of a motorcycle.

Page 16 -  Wraith and some driver are trying to get away as fast as they can. As they come around the corner though, Wolverine is standing in the middle of the road. I'm sensing a theme here. Maybe this is what they were talking about when they mentioned anti-mutant maneuvers. Maybe that's in chapter one "Mutant, to stop any vehicle traveling at any speed, will always stand in the middle of the road".

The driver apparently was sick that day of PHD class, because he wasn't expecting it, and gets scared and runs off the road.

I've never understood this. If the big scary thing chasing me shows up in the middle of the road, and I'm driving, I'm going to show the big scary thing a little car-fu and run it the hell over.

The car hits a tree, the Wraith and the driver go flying through the windshield. The driver dies. One sick day in PHD class, and he's a dead man.

Page 17 -  Wolverine is about to kill Wraith, and Jean pulls out the speech about how if Wolverine kills him, he's just proving to the world that mutants are bad, blah blah blah. Ok, let me get this strait. They just attacked a military convoy, wrecked all of the trucks by Storm blowing them around, one guy (the driver) is already dead, and they're worried about one more? All those trucks flying around, and no one got hurt? What the hell is this, an episode of the A-Team?

Wolverine smarts off to Jean, asking what she's going to do about it. Also, he managed to find a cigar somewhere in the middle of nowhere, between escaping from the truck, and tracking Wraith and the driver down. Maybe it's some super secret ability he has. Metal skeleton, claws, ability to pull cigars out of this air.

Jean slams Wolverine into a tree. Tells Scott to come get them in the Blackbird. Gives Wraith a line about him not thanking her, or she'd put nightmares in his head. Ah yes. Kill is bad, but screwing up someones head and driving them insane is just fine though. Good to know.

Page 18 -  Back at Savage Island, and Magneto is told that the Weapon X group was tipped off and captured Wolverine, but that they were lucky the X-Men broke him out. Magneto tells them though that he tipped Weapon X off, and it was all part of his plan. Talk about a stretch. I mean, if PX didn't find him, cause I don't know, he was watching an episode of Lost or something, the whole plan would have been screwed. No decent plan should ever hinge on someone thinking they know exactly what everyone's going to do. Especially sine it could all go to hell because someone decided to take a nap.

Magneto then give the line to set it all up for the next big thing. Something like "moving on to more pressing matters" and you see a picture of the White House.

 

Well, thankfully that's over. Way too many splash pages. And why can't they just show someone being a bad ass, rather than saying his name, and everyone having to tell you he's a bad ass? Also, why do you go to save someone you think is the worst killer in the world? Does anyone think these plots though at all?

See you all next issue. 

 

Filed under: 70 Issues of UXM, Ghostshark's Rants, Marvel Comics