Drunken Comics Rage

A few days ago I shared my “Hey! I can read something more than once!” epiphany with you.  I warned you that I’d be back with what will likely be a few posts worth of relating the events of the third collection of the new Green Lantern book and sharing my thoughts.  Well, I’m a man of my word, so here we go.

Oh, and…stop here if you don’t want some big Green-Lanterny-spoilage.  Alright, not “big” as in “earth-shattering shit I’m going to ruin for you”, but rather “big” as in “more than 2,500 words”.

The story begins with Hal Jordan blaming himself.  He and two pilot buddies, Shane "Rocket-Man" Sellers and Jillian "Cowgirl" Pearlman (a hot little blonde lass who, honestly, almost annoyed me to death), are on a mission to blow up a terrorist camp in Russia.  All three (?!) are shot down and captured.  Nice flying, folks.  For months (umm, say, 52 weeks worth of months perhaps?) they are tortured (you can sorta use the same phrase to describe the poor addicts who just had to have the full run of 52, eh? *rimshot*) for US Air Force secrets.  Naturally, Hal gave them nothing 'cause his will is strong and shit.  Hal eventually breaks free when he freaks out while overhearing the terrorists torturing and beating Cowboy, who he has quite a shine on for.  All three pilots obtain their freedom when they pretty much stroll right out of the terrorist camp and find some convenient hunters/trappers/whatever nearby who whisk them to safety.

If you are wondering "Umm, what about Green Lantern's ring?  Did the terrorists all wear yellow or something?" well, guess what?  They did.  Ok, they didn’t, he just inexplicably didn't wear it.  Hal throws in a comment at some point that he 'never wears the ring' while he's flying.

*picks self up off floor*

Anybody else calling bullshit right there?  I mean, I ain't read a lot of Green Lantern, but…WTF?  Seriously?  Isn't flying a fighter plane on a combat mission really, really close to the top of the list of the non-save-the-world situations where a logical person would be damn sure to wear the most powerful weapon in the universe (it is, just ask 'em)?

Maybe this really is a classic and typical Hal Jordan thing, but…damn, that's dumb.  I did like this bit where Hal mentions that all the Justice League folks came by to apologize, unnecessarily, for not being there for him…they all thought he was off on a mission for the Green Lantern Corps.

(Although…do you really think Batman came and apologized?  Umm, I'm gonna say the Dark Knight probably didn't roll like that.  And seriously…if Hal is partnered with John Stewart in our sector now, dontcha think somebody might have asked him after Hal was gone for months?  Ah well.)

Ok, so everybody apologizes…but only Green Arrow asked the question…why the fuck weren't you wearing the ring, dumb ass?  Ok, he didn't phrase it exactly like that, but wouldn't you have?  Staggering.  Its such a dumb idea that a coupla times later in the book other people essentially tell Hal “Nah, I get the no ring thing, dude” like the writers are trying to convince themselves it was NOT a dumb fucking idea.  Thank fucking gawd that the universe is never threatened while Hal is on a mission in his fighter jet, or that none of his fellow pilots ever get shot down or anything.  What a knucklehead.

(Wow.  Umm, I guess I'm a little bitter about that whole Hal-not-wearing-the-ring-while-flying thing.  Hmm.  Moving on.)

(Wait, not yet.  This is a great time for…Interlude one, likely out of order but placed here cause I’m the one writing this:  flash to the negative zone, or someshit I can’t remember right now.  The technologist types who originally armed Sinestro, way WAY back in the early Green Lantern stories, are slaving away on some planet/factory/thing vaguely shaped like a yellow lantern.  Two are arguing about how Sinestro really isn’t better than they are, and they should rise up and revolt against him!  Then a big, SCARY ass looking dude picks one of the guys up and eats his head.  Seriously.  This motivates the others to get back to work.  Scary ass looking dude, in a pretty cool uniform, then tells his yellow ring…are you paying attention?…to spawn more rings and go find some new members for him to train.  One in particular goes shooting off to our sector of space…end of interlude one.)

So our hero is back, and he and his two fellow ex-POWs are adjusting to their experience.  Unbeknownst to Hal, his new love interest Cowgirl scrambles with two other pilots on a quick mission to go try and blow up the terrorist group’s new camp.  (Would they REALLY have let Cowgirl roll out after that terrorist camp?  After a year as a POW with those same terrorists?  And no psych evaluation?  *deep breath*  Its just a comic.)

Hal freaks out when he finds out, scoots over there, and notes that she got shot down…again.  (Maybe its time to reconsider somebody's pilot license, eh?)  He goes on a rampage, Green-Lantern-ing the crap out of everybody in the vicinity of the terrorist camp.  In the meantime, we see Russia rolling out the Rocket Reds (whose background is totally lost on me) and the DCU equivalent of the United Nations running out the Global Guardians.  Everybody, apparently, is angry at Hal for violating national airspace and such; the Green Lanterns figure they are protecting a whole sector of the galaxy, and hence can’t be bothered with such minor boundaries.  Kinda an interesting point, and a decent sidebar to the issue of heroes interacting (or, ignoring) the governments of normal folk (that doesn’t sound like Civil War at all does it?).  Meanwhile…

Interlude two: a young lady finds a strange purple crystal while seeing Stonehenge; the crystal embeds itself in her head.  The crystal takes over her body, tells her that she ain’t the body the crystal’s true love desires, but that it is good enough to use to go find the right one.  Hello, new Star Sapphire.  End of interlude two.

Hal wraps up the bad guys in harmless green rubber bands or somesuch (after not coincidentally thinking to himself how these terrorists don't know that his ring won't let him kill anybody)…and the Global Guardians pop in and somehow make his green rubber bands kill everybody!  Hal has, apparently, slaughtered the whole camp!  At which point the Global Guardians smugly ask for permission to capture our apparently framed hero.  It turns out that bounty hunters called the Faceless Ones (really, they have no faces) have telepathically taken over the GGs in order to capture Hal; someone has put a bounty on his head!

Then things start blowing up.  The Justice League show up, with old school Green Lantern Alan Scott in tow.  The Rocket Reds show up, demanding to arrest Hal.  A big ol’ fight breaks out, with Hal explaining what he’s doing here and the JL mopping the floor with the Rocket Reds.  Hal asks the JL to have Martian Manhunter fix the Global Guardians’ brains, and runs off to save Cowgirl.  Right as he does so…and Cowgirl seems to recognize Green Lantern as Hal…yet another bounty hunter shows up…Hunger Dog!  Uhh, ok.  Hunger Dog zaps Hal, and reports back that he has captured him and wants the bounty.  So who is after Hal?  Well…this is a great time for a break.  But before I go…

Interlude three: Batman, on a roof, kicking crap out of random bad guys.  He wraps up the beatdown, and right before he hops off the roof a yellow ring comes swooping out of the sky and lands on his finger.  It tells him he can inspire great fear, and has been chosen to join the Sinestro Corps!  Naturally he fights it off, and the ring goes flying away in search of an easier target.  End of interlude three…and the end of part two of my long-winded recap and reaction to the third collection of the new Green Lantern ongoing series!

Filed under: DC Comics, General Comics Rage, Monkey Rage